August 5, 2007
It was yesterday.
Two small red heads, six weeks
early, handed to me. Rick fit in my hand. 4 pounds, ten ounces when I brought
him home. How did such a tiny baby grow into a 6' tall man? Why were they in
such a hurry to start this thing called life? Thank Mr. God for Dr. Mac. In an
era where doctors limited you to a 20 pound weight gain (and put you on a diet
otherwise!!), he let me gain 80. Told me there had to be a reason I was putting
on so much weight so fast. I didn't know I had feet for months..... all I
could see was belly.
It was yesterday.
Me, panicked: "Dr. Mac, they
won't take their bottles." Him, calm: "Are they eating?" Me: "Yes, a lot."
Him: "So they don't like bottles. Make their cereal with lots of milk." They
never took another bottle. They were six months old.
It was yesterday. "Don't wan wear
dat." Off went the diapers. On went the undies. They weren't 2 yet. They'd
made a decision. Never had an accident. They were always like that. Once they
made a decision, that was that. They came by it honest....got it from me. They
were JUST like me in that respect. Once they said, "I'm done", they were done.
No wavering, no indecisiveness. "I'm done" meant just that.
It was yesterday. Their long red
curls became history. They were flat out pissed. They weren't quite 3. "Don't
want short hair!" Definitely my children. J let his grow when he was a teen,
just because he could. I wasn't about to make him cut it until he wanted
to. He had the best Mullet you'll ever see. (Trust me. It was fashionable,
those flowing curls and that spiky short top).
It was yesterday. They both had
emergency hernia surgery, a couple of weeks apart. They didn't cry. Not one
single tear. J looked up at me with those huge blue eyes and said, "Mommy will
fix it." They weren't yet four. Unwavering love and trust.... "Mommy will fix
it." How many times did I hear that? Until the day they moved to Heaven, they
thought that I could fix most anything. So why didn't they let me fix it one
last time?
It was yesterday. "Mommy! Let me
show you what we learned at school today!!" They were very excited. "Tell me
what you learned." "No Mommy! I have to show you!!" "Okay sweetie, what do
you want to show me? What did you learn?" "It's called French kissing, Mommy!
You'll like it!!" They'd just turned 5. I had to choke down my laughter while
I told them that French kissing was only for grown ups. They were so serious
about showing me something new. Then they told me that they'd only told me
about it because they thought I'd like it. They thought it was
"gross".
Everything happened yesterday.
Can it really be 33 years since the most wonderful children ever born
arrived? Can it really be that
there will be no more memories?
Jason, stomping up the stairs (me
suppressing laughter because he had to turn his size 13 feet sideways to stomp),
announcing that he was going to find someone who loved him to live with. Coming
back downstairs 15 minutes later. "Okay, so nobody loves me more than you. But
I still think you're wrong."
Rick, drawing a swastika in the
dirt, no idea what it meant. Me making him read "The Holocaust". Him
crying..... how could they DO that? My gentle, sensitive soul.
The three of us, sitting on the
balcony. "You two want to tell me what you did?" Innocent looks. "Don't know
what you're talking about, Mom." "You two want to tell me what you did
yesterday?" Panic sets in. "Yesterday? Um.... we..... um.... HOW DO YOU
KNOW?" They'd been jumping off the bridges into the canal at Bay Point with
H.... a definite no no. I reminded them that I was the Mom, and I knew
things. I didn't tell them that they were by DigDoug and Baba's when they did
it, and they told me. I just told them that they couldn't fool me. The look on
their faces was priceless.
Buying Jason a car. "But Mom,
it's a CHEVETTE!" I told him that he only got the car for his 16th birthday
because I wanted to retire from driving to Bay High what felt like 100 times a
week. I really just wanted him to have it. How many football players will fit
into a Chevy Chevette? At least a dozen, going to lunch. More, I think, but
he'd never admit it. Funny how it was, everyone always wanted to ride with J
and Rick in their "crappy cars". They were such a joy to be around, brought so
much laughter to their world, made so many people smile. That's why everybody
wanted to ride with them, and come to their home. They brightened everything
they touched.
Covers pulled over their
heads..... "Five more minutes, Mom!!". Empty ice cream containers in the
freezer. "He did it, Mom. Really." Grabbing the lid off a pot on the
stove.... "That's hot!" "Yes, sweetie, now put it down until dinner is ready."
Sneaking bites of Mom Rice while it was still cooking. Licking the bowl clean
when I made Sour Cream Pound Cake. "But that's the best part, Mom!" Bringing
me stone ground corn for spoon bread, because that's really the only way to make
it. Leaving small gifts on my bed. "I saw this, and thought of you." Small
things. Cleaning out the refrigerator. Cutting the grass, and mowing down
Little (now Big) tree 100 times. Digging the pond.
Mexican food and ice cream cakes.
"I wan go tatie place, Mommy!" A three year old, asking for Mexican food. My
children to their toes. The spicier, the better. There is no such thing as too
hot. Sushi, long before I'd eat it..... "But Mom! It's great." He was right.
It's one of my favorite meals now, on the one day of the week that I eat
fish.
Football tickets to Bama games.
Somehow winding up with sideline access (thanks, Quin). A smile that would
darken the brightest star, knowing he could go on the sideline. Worth every
minute.
Goofy Golf, giving me "over's",
because I'm really bad at it. Playing Risk, and me always winning. "How come
you never let me win?" "Do you want me to LET you win?" "No, but I'm gonna
beat you." Eventually, they did. (Laughing at me while I invented my own names
for the Soviet countries, because I couldn't pronounce the Kamchatka's of this
world. Kuckamucka made more sense.)
Living life. That's what my boys
did. "Want to tell me what you did with Les last night?" She was here, with
her fellow Musketeers, on Spring Break. "Um.... watched a movie, had a bite to
eat." "I took you all to dinner. Were you hungry again?" "You know us, Mom.
We're always hungry!" Yeah, right. Rick and Les were convinced that I believed
them, but J knew better. He just kept his mouth shut. A couple of days later:
"So, J, what KIND of shrimp did you have?" "Huh, Mom? What do you mean?"
"The brand name. What were you two giving your little sister to drink?" That
sheepish, shit eating grin, that only-Jason-can-do-it grin. "Malibu, Mom." Les
was 21 before she found out that I hadn't bought the "bad shrimp" story. My
life is so much richer because the three of them were in it. Were it not for
them, I wouldn't be who I am today. My three Musketeer's. Gone, now. Who
would have ever thought that it would be down to just me? I figured I'd be the
first to go, not the last one standing. Then, it was the four of us against the
world. We could do anything. Now, it's just me and Sissy.... and we can still
do what we have to, because J and Rick believed I could.
They LIVED their lives. If I live
to be 100, I don't think I'll pack as much living into my life as they
did into theirs. I'm trying. I try to never go straight, to always go
forward. You know what I'm going to tell you. LIVE your life. That glass
really is half full. Jason taught me that hurricanes bring devastating
destruction, and awesome beauty, at the same time. Look for the beauty. It's
always there, if you just look. Remember how powerful words are. Unkind words
resound in your head.... sometimes forever. Doesn't matter that you really
didn't mean them. They're just...... THERE. Rick taught me that. Some of his
"father's" words were in his head when he died. I'll be forever grateful to all
the Higher Powers that my last words were, "I love you." Such simple words.
Such simple words that mean so much. I say them, a lot. I tell the people that
I love, that I love them.... frequently yelling it across my bar. I never know
when I might not have another chance. Someone that I used to call friend (I
managed to fubar that) believes that you don't need the words, as long as you
know the feeling is there. I disagree. I think we all need the words. Someone
recently told me that I am the only person that ever says, "I love you" to
them. Oh, this young man knows that his parents love him. But they don't say
it. You need to say it.
Life is so very precious, so very
worth living. Just when you think it is going to pass you by, that you'll never
know love or happiness, you'll look up and find it there. But, you have to pay
attention, keep an open mind and heart. Because, it just might not be in the
package you expect it to be in. Might not last forever, but oh the feeling
while it's here! Treasure it. Keep that door open. Don't let the best thing
that ever happened to you slip away out of stubbornness. Try to be kind. Don't make the mistake of
throwing love away because of a misunderstanding. Don't let pride stand in the
way of what your heart tells you. Don't be an idiot just because you can be.
See all of the colors. Don't just see "purple". See amethyst and Brandywine
and lavender and royal purple. See the panoply of colors that make
"purple".
Hold the door open for someone.
Let someone ahead of you in line. Be grateful for your friends. Oh, they're
going to fubar every now and again. We're only human, after all. If you're the
one who fubared, say, "I'm sorry", learn a life lesson, and move forward. If
your friend fubared, don't wait for them to say I'm sorry. Reach out your hand
to them. Send them a text, Drop them an email. Call them. Friends are too
precious to let them fall by the wayside. They really don't mean to cause us
unnecessary pain. Just.... forgive them. And keep forgiving them. Even if
they don't want you to. Jason and Rick taught me that. They had the most
incredible never give up, I can do it, attitude of anyone I've ever met.
Praise your children. That's all
most of them need, you know. Tell them they did a good job. Focus on the fact
that they put their dishes in the dishwasher, not that they didn't empty the
dishwasher. Say "please" and "thank you" to them, just like you expect them to
say it to you. Treat them with respect. Set boundaries. Most kids want those
boundaries. Yes, they're going to see how far they can stretch them. Remember
that you were a teenager and knew everything once, too. Those finger smudges on
the fridge? They'll be there tomorrow. Your child saying, "read me a story"
will be gone way too soon. Read the story. Have dinner together. As a
family. All at one table. Do you remember when you were young, having dinner,
talking about your day? Kids need that now, too.
Thank the young men and women who
are voluntarily risking their lives so that I will have the right to be the
silly little bitch that I am. Doesn't matter what your opinion of the war.
Those young men and women are true heroes. I am incredibly blessed to have some
of these young people in my life. A couple of them call me Mama, and go out of
their way to spend time with me. They are truly a gift from the Higher
Power.
Today, for Jason and Rick, I am
going to walk by the water. I'll probably run (okay, so the broken ribs will
likely curtail the running). I'm going to drink a bottle of '88 Dom (but I will
always think the '82 was better), and a bottle of good red wine. Something
fruity will be involved somewhere, for my Rick. I am going to remember all of
the birthday's that we shared. The ice cream cakes. The Sesame Street cakes.
Sharing Margarita's. Mexican food, extra spicy please. I'll have grits for
breakfast. I'll spend most of the day outside. They hated being cooped up.
They needed fresh air, and water, and sunshine. They wanted space, wide open
spaces. I'm going to give myself a present. I don't know yet what it will
be.... but sometime during the day, I'll find it, and Ill buy it for me, for
them. I'm going to give me flowers, because they used to tell me that I
deserved the flowers and presents on their birthday, because I carried them
inside me for 7 1/2 months.
I miss them more than words can
tell you. But, given the chance, I wouldn't have missed it for anything. They
are the best thing that I ever did, and the world is a much better place because
of the time they spent in it. And, they are still here, still watching over
me. Someone caused me serious injury Sunday night. I'm lucky to be alive,
according to my doctor. I believe down to my toes that the man who was beating
me looked up and saw 2 muscular red heads and a black haired Marine running
toward him and hauled ass before he could drag me away, like he was trying to
do. Thank you, Jason, Rick and Andy. Yeah Mom, I'm sure you were there too.
Thanks.
Walk good. Be blessed. Now go
give someone you love a kiss.... because you never know when it might be the
last.
